For weeks now I've been staying up late editing and reworking my story. Everything's going great, I'm flying through my pages feeling confident and connected, and then I hit a wall. If you're a fellow writer you might recognize this feeling. It's horrible and defeating, and at the time it feels like it will go on and on, pounding in swelling waves against your already fragile ego. It's known as self-doubt. Something in my daily life that I already struggle against.
Maybe mine is rooted in the fact that I am the oldest of five children. Maybe it's because I didn't get enough attention with three rambunctious brothers and a baby sister. But to me, it's the overwhelming feeling that I come up short when compared to the brilliance and otherwise general coolness of my four siblings. I feel like I'm hovering, trying desperately to grasp a firm hold on my own potential greatness. I'm plagued with wanting to fit in, not being so loud, and not saying the random weird things that sometimes leap from my mouth with no warning.
Now all that said, my family in no way feels this way about me, it's mostly in my head. My siblings love me and accept me, and generally think that I'm great (even if I'm not nearly as cool as all of them, and slightly over affectionate) My parents have always supported me in my love of reading and writing (except that one time when I wrote a short story where the mom was dead, and my Mom thought I was mad at her and that I wished she were dead), and my husband insists I'm the best writer he's ever read (this does not really count, because he does not read!!! Let me clarify...he never reads unless it's a gun magazine. As if that counts!)
But believing in yourself is a harder than one might think. Especially when you read the works of such authors as Stephenie Meyers, Cassandra Clare, Kiersten White, etc. However, my husband is quick to remind me that everyone has their own writing style and voice, and this is what makes each of us unique.
So please disregard my dreary self-pitying blog, because by tomorrow morning I will probably have snapped out of this oppressive slump. But for the moment, it's weighing me down.